Happy 2

Today's new installment of "Happy" is brought to you by the letter "L" the number "1" and enough bitterness to bring an early heat death to the universe.

I suppose if there is any day to be bitter about something, New Year's Eve is it. Might as well start the new year out right. Fantastically enough, I do some of my best work with Bitter. I could paint whole beautiful landscapes with bitter thoughts laced with good intentions.

"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold- but so does a hard boiled egg."

Happy

So what happens when Truth tries to be happy?
1. She stops blogging because she only blogs when she is angry.
2. She thinks she can carry on with life as a normal individual that doesn't frequently think about setting people on fire.

Well lucky for everyone...that's all over.

Yippe ki yay Fuckers.

That might actually be the first time I dropped an F bomb in a blog.

If a world can't run on happiness and sparkly vampires then it can run on the constant anger that I carry around.

Maybe I'm back. Maybe I'm not. I do know one thing. I should have taken the blue pill.

Random Lollapalooza Notes

There will be no moshing during Mr. Brightside. Who makes a mosh pit at a Killers concert? (the literal answer to this is drunken 14 year old males, the figurative answer to this is idiots) Also, if you mosh/punch my 300 something pound companion, you will most likely get an elbow to the face.

I will punch you in the kidney if you injure me during your crowd surfing adventure.

There is not enough fine 2009 vintage squeeze bottle wine in the whole park for anyone to sit through a rainy friday Lollapalooza festival. (Fortunately for me, There was enough Depeche mode for me to sit through the apocolypse if neccessary.)

To the chicks sitting on someone's shoulders: Yes, people are aiming at you with bottles. Do you know why? Because you are blocking the screen and the view of the stage.

To the dudes sitting on someone's shoulders: Yes, People are aiming at you with bottles. Do you know why? Because every guy that weighs more than you thinks you are some sort of a pussy. (Note, I was not aiming at or throwing anything at anyone generally. I have been to lolla before and have never seen this particular custom.)

To the angry man at the Snoop Dogg concert: I am sorry that you hate this C-Rap. I will be very glad when the real music starts as well. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear how crappy the concert was over your shouting every word of every song. You do realize there were about 10 other concerts going on around the park right? Pretty sure Lou Reed was somewhere guy.

Do not wear your cutest outfit/newest shoes/anything of value to lollapalooza. Friday's weather took out so many adorable summer dresses and flip flops that even I had to feel bad for some of the poor bedragled people.

Drunken people at Kidpalooza are funny. Drunken people watching a band called Secret Agent 23 Skidoo are even more funny. Having Lolla staff remind people that Kidpalooza is for kids is nearly priceless. (A quick count showed that there was more beer at Kidpalooza than actual kids)

Everything in South Lolla smells vaguely of urine and shame.

*random serious note* People who throw things at the homeless are douchebags.

Random things heard at Lollapalooza this year:

1. Do you know Americans invented trade? Before we built the canal in South America, there was no way to trade on the other side of the world.

2. Time traveling Bill Clinton (I have no idea what that conversation was about. I am half hoping it is a band name)

3. Time is money! Start the human sacrifice! ( wait, what?)

4. The bridge to no where would have saved us 24 hours because it would have crossed the international dateline!

5. Anarchy is neither created or destroyed! (this was technically heard on the L)

*edited to add worst pick up line ever* "You look just like my roomie except for you are totally skinnier than her.

All in all, it was a pretty good three days. I have to admit that I didn't know as many bands as I did at the previous years' lollapalooza festivals this time around. The food was fantastic and almost reasonably priced this year. I learned that Maui Wowi smoothies have some sort of crack or meth like substance in them and I will probably need some sort of rehab to deal with that addiction now. Can't wait until next year. If you folks will excuse me, I am off to collapse.

Truth advocates abuse

*Disclaimer* This is a story where I advocated the abuse of a woman. If you are easily offended, you should bypass this story and go read about kittens, and rainbows, and Obama.

Right before I broke my leg, I was kicked out of my GURPS group. For those not in the know (like myself right before they introduced me to it), Gurps is a roleplaying system. Think DND but with fewer rules. I was playing with 3 dudes and a chick. *More Disclaimer* I don't need to hear about how I must be anti-feminist, carry on. Generally, I don't fool with too many chicks. It's simply because I don't have the patience for the nonsense that comes with them. I have spent the better part of two years trying to get into a gaming group here in town that has banned females because they bring drama or otherwise interfere with gameplay. True to sterotypical form, this chick spent almost all gameplay complaining about her abusive home situation. "He teaches our son to hit me. He hit me. He won't pay my fines for that time I was driving uninsured. I'm miserable." All the males in our group were Dudley Do-Right, or most likely Dudly Do-Her pretty please, so they spent a lot of time interrupting game play to tell her they would support her in moving out and getting away from the abusive man.

Abusive man was not there to hear all of this conversation. Abusive man was at work. He was too busy being abusive by working to pay bills to come play Gurps. He was so abusive that she felt the need to call him every 20 minutes. "Hi Honey! I miss you! I am totally not sitting here flirting with three other men while you're at work."

Finally, after listening to this for several hours, I grudglingly admitted that I worked for a place that had several programs to help people like her. Before I type the rest of this, I need to get my mind right. *Most Disclaimer* If Raging Stupidity makes your head explode, stop reading here.

She said "Well, I would have to get a ride to the office to apply.Then they would want me to fill out forms. Then they might expect me to get a job and go to school."

I blinked. Then I got kicked out because what came next was apparently the wrong thing to say to or about anyone who might be abused. "If you are too lazy to go get on welfare, then you deserve that beating you are getting. How lazy do you have to be to say that APPLYING FOR WELFARE is too much work? Either your life isn't that bad or you're a waste of air."

So why am I telling this story now? Because the person who told me I was too mean keeps popping up on my match list.

Do I condone abuse? No. Will I tell a lazy ho to get a job? Yes.

If you will excuse me, I am off to campaign against letting darkies and women vote.

When White Folks Get Married

I love white people. I really do. I love them so much that the Black community has revoked my darkie card since 96. However, as culturally sensitive as I am, there are a few things about white folk that I will never understand.

I went to a white folk wedding this weekend. Before I even got there, I knew that I would probably be overdressed. I knew this because years worth of experience and stereotyping has taught me that white people never dress appropriately for an occasion. I even dressed down and I still felt overdressed for the occasion. This is the most important day of someone's life (well until they get divorced and they have two or three more most important days)! Why in the world would I want to show up to that very special event in flip flops and a summer dress from Walmart? "Because Truth! It doesn't matter what someone wears so long as they are there to celebrate the love and joy and happiness of the event!"

Truth would like you all to know that if anyone tries to pull that BS at one of her weddings, she will start a stabathon. The Happy Couple obviously put a lot of time and care into their wedding. I am guessing they spent well over 75 bucks a head at the reception. I wouldn't buy most people I know a double cheeseburger! The least I can do for someone who spent that much money on any event is have the common courtesy to wear something other than the Walmart Reject line and a pair of sandals that I have been breaking in since 2003.

I will admit that We of the Dark persuasion tend to be overdressed at events. The person who presided over my wedding had a purple suit on (complete with tasteful gold chain and ring). My Father wore a suit that cost more than my car. "See! We don't feel the need to be showy! We just love each other Truth! My Uncle Cleatis may have worn cut off shorts and a wifebeater, but he came just to show us love and support!"(My Uncle Cleatis just came for the free bar, so they 1up'd me there)

On a side note, I would like to have a serious chat with anyone who is planning a wedding. Be mindful of where you sit people. I was stuck at what I lovingly termed the "Bitter Bitch Table". I realize there is a very distinct possibility that I fall right into the category of bitter bitchiness. However, there should be a rule that says there is only one bitter bitch per table. Speaking of 1up'd, I was also stuck with a Bitter Bitch that was also a Mario. Everything anyone had done could not compare to anything she had ever done.

BB: I got a great new job!
M: Really? So did I, I make eleventy billion a year as a model. (Note to readers, just no)
BB: That's great, My boyfriend that still won't commit to me because he's STUPID STUPID STUPID took me to Bali.
M: My boyfriend bought me a condo on the moon!

I could continue but you all get the point. At some point during the evening Mario decided the whole room needed to know that her boyfriend was some sort of Nancyboy gay homosexual because he plays World of Warcraft. "God why can't you do something like real men and play fantasy football?" (Truth would like to point out that the real men probably are playing football outdoors, with a ball, and not with a computer, but that would be crazy talk.) This would have been cute if it were a 20 second outburst. It ceased to be cute when we made it to 3 minutes and she was still berating this man in front of everyone about how much of a man he wasn't in her eyes. Where I come from, that's worth a kick to the ovaries. I sincerely hope that he went home and beat her ass. By the end of the night, I was trying to get the bartender to keep a steady flow of something liver burningly good so he could drown out the shrillness of her voice. "We have discussed this! You know we are going to the dance floor right now! I have no idea why you even try to deviate from the plan that I mostly decided. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Let's not forget the other category of women there. Ladies, I love you. Really, I do. Might I make a suggestion? I am glad that you had a baby and got to your pre-pregnancy weight. That's outstanding! However, if you are that special age when the tummy didn't snap back....you should probably not wear the skin tight tube dress. People will spend the whole night assuming you are in the early stages of pregnancy. You will be pissed off the moment that someone even insinuates that you look pregnant (and you do when you wear something that tight and still have the flappy tummy leftovers.) Also, we are proud of your motherhood. We love that you gave your child a unique name. We also know you just want everyone to know how trendy and unique you are if you say said child's name twice per minute for the whole night. " Grazia McKhenna (not McKenna like all those other losers that went with that name, we're unique!) come here! Grazia McKhenna, play nicely! Grazia McKhenna, show everyone your cute dress." Don't worry mom, in 13 years you can be jealous of the lithe body that she has and you will never have again.

I can't wait to go to another one of these. If you folks will excuse me, I have to start writing up the dress code rules for my non-existant nuptials.

Truth glimpsed the Unity of the Universe...

(Or my real life got irritating enough that I hallucinated it)
I glimpsed the Unity of the Universe this morning. I could see it! It was like a fractal on a cupcake, delicious but surprisingly mathematical in nature. For a moment, I and the Universe were one. I let go of the self, the ego, and rushed out into chaos of total consciousness. I looked inside myself and found the Nothing (much like The Never Ending Story, but with cooler effects) and while lost in it, I found everything I needed to harness all of the power in the Universe into one focused beam of energy that would DESTROY THE CITY THAT MY FREAKING REALTOR KEEPS LOSING MY DING DANGED PAPERWORK IN.

Alas, when that thought crystallized, The Unity of the Universe faded from me, and all I was left with was an overly wordy blog venting my frustration about the home buying process. At least a gal can still fantasize about re-arranging molecules with her powers of mind control (Or maybe the Force, but I don't like the Force as much now that it is a bacterial infection that might accidentally be cleared up by taking an anti-biotic).

Instead of letting go of the myth of reality my brain has created for me, I will wait by the phone (that may or may not exist at this point. I am having some serious issues with the constructs of my mind this morning. Who knew real estate had that effect?) I will have to transcend myself another time.
If you folks will excuse me, I am off to see if I can start bending spoons with my mind. There is no spoon....there is no spoon....

Weight loss and Little Miss Green Eyes: a child's tale

In the beginning, Truth was fat, and it was good. It was good because it gave some of Truth's friends and family a person to stand next to and not look as fat as they probably were. They never worried about what they were eating because they could always say that at least they weren't as fat as Truth.

Anyone who has lost a significant amount of weight may be able to relate to this post. In this day and age, it isn't ok to be fat. We are constantly bombarded with media depictions of what we should look like. Why is it that if one of us makes the attempt to better our appearance, everyone else resists?

I can't lie. I used to be super fat. Truthy Truthy DoubleWide Fat. My friends liked it like that. You see, even though they might be heavy, they were never as heavy as me so therefore in the "Damn, glad I am not as fat as that fat ass" safe zone. I would have never known it until wonders of wonders, I lost some weight. Suddenly, attitudes began to change.

Step one: Ha! Look at Truth. She's trying to lose some weight. Isn't she adorable? Everyone bring her ho-ho's!
Step two: Huh, whadya know? She's lost 20 lbs. Well good for her, she's still fatter than us though.
Step three: Wow, she hasn't quit. That is just outstanding! Yay for perseverance. One day, she might be the same size as us. (Ha, that'll be the day)
Step four: Gee, we haven't seen Truth lately. She stopped joining us for fried cheesecake and lard juice day.
Step five: Our friend Truth is really hardcore! Let's give her a gift of clothing two sizes too small. We thinks he might be able to fit it but if it doesn't it would only motivate her. This is in no way an attempt to hurt her feelings.
Step six: You know what? We need to exercise! Truth is inspiring. We will go with her everyday!
Step seven: God, she's doing overkill. No one needs to exercise this regularly. Too bad she can't maintain her weight like we can.
Step eight: She's just trying to rub it in our faces. This new fit lifestyle. She thinks she is better than us.
Step nine: Truth hands back the gift of clothing. They are now too small for the gift givers and entirely too big for Truth.

It started out as kind of funny. It was a little joke between friends. But, one by one, I noticed that my friends went from supportive to "God, why can't you eat that piece of cake? You used to eat it before! You didn't care that you had a blood sugar issue before so why care now?" Pretty soon, we weren't shopping on the same side of the clothing store anymore. For the first time in my adult life, I was shopping in the regular section as opposed to the "Fun sized!" section (which another name for fatties over here) but no one was happy about it, except me that is. "You know Truth, you might be dieting too much" my friends sagely warned me behind their peanutbuster parfaits. "Are you sure this is a Doctor approved diet? Your fad weigh tloss will only rebound back to you. We only tell you this because we care. Now come have a sundae with us!"

Eventually, the unthinkable happened. I weighed less than all of my friends. Even the one who had been considered the hottest of us all. They...lost...their...minds. Suddenly, everyone was on the fad diets everyone warned me about. One by one, they lost ten lbs, only to go back to their lifestyles and gain it all back. Bitterness seeped from the pores of some of my friends (I would know, I am fairly bitter myself some days). One of my friends is sure to let me know every excruciating detail of her weight loss. She recently went on a "stop eating and miraculously lose" diet. I have learned that I am not allowed to give weight loss advice. Even though I have been successful, it is not welcome. The ladies in my online weight loss group got catty in the end. I did the work, lost the weight. Instead of a high five, I got remarks like "God, you look fat in that color" or " Gee, your graduation gown makes you look like a whale. What was the point of losing weight if you still look like that?"

How lovely it is when you discover where you stand in other people's eyes.

People who should not attempt to date me (Oldie but Goodie)

Ever since I got the internet sometime back in the age of AOL, I have been interested in relationships formed online. However, I am not 14 anymore, and have learned that there are a few things that should be avoided.

Case of the Ex - We have all met this person. This person is still hung up on an ex of some sort.
Example: "You have blue eyes? So does Susie! Susie is my ex but don't worry I am not interested in her anymore...she dumped me but I am ok with that. I mean we weren't going to work out anyway. Well, we could have worked but she needed to find herself. Gee, I wonder what she is doing right now...sigh Susie with her hair of gold and solid birthing hips. But enough about her, would you like some more wine?"
It doesn't even have to be the most recent ex. I recently went out with someone who was still talking about the girl that he broke up with 10 years ago. I am not against speaking of ex's, but, the whole date? I decided it was time to cut my losses when she was still the topic of date number 2.

Case of the bitter ex- I am sure you all have met this person too. This covers two different people. Someone out of the couple is bitter and they are going to let you know about it.
Example #1 "My ex-girlfriend is such a skank! I paid for her hair, her nails, her clothing, and she freaking cheated on me with the mop up guy at the peep show! I would love to get my hands on her and just beat her until she twitched!They would never find her body. I would sink her to the bottom of the lake with knives shoved in all of her orfices! But enough about her, would you like some more wine?"
or
Example #2 "I am so glad you agreed to see me. I have had such a hard time keeping someone around because my ex shows up and makes scenes and keys cars and occasionally commits an act of arson. I just try to ignore her really. The last girl I dated got her tires slashed but if she had just ignored my ex, it would have been ok. But enough about her, would you like some wine?"

Pushy- Mr or Ms Pushy wants what they want RIGHT NOW! Not that they are trying to be pushy or demanding but there is no reason why you can't get in your car at 1 am and meet them at the park. That isn't unreasonable is it? It's only unreasonable if you are some sort of prude.
Example: "I know we just met but I feel like we have a connection. I can almost always tell when I connect with someone immediately. Want to meet in about 20 minutes? No....? But, we live in the same town. I don't see a problem....I can come to your house then....What? You don't trust me? I mean, come on! I don't understand why you wouldn't want to meet right now! I am not being pushy or anything, and I feel really strongly about meeting right now! Not right now? Oh, so it's not *convenient* right now. I know girls like you! You string a guy along and then expect him to drop everything on YOUR schedule. Well guess what Missy! I ain't falling for it. You're probably bad in bed too! Don't even bother talking to me again.
*next day*
"Hello? Sorry about being worked up last night. I really want for us to connect. How about we meet tomorrow night, no pressure. How about I bring a bottle of wine?"
Yikes, just yikes.

L33t- This is just me being picky. I prefer people who form sentences. The extent of our conversation should cover more than "omg ur so hawt!"
Example:"Omg ur so hawt, wnt sum wyne l8r?"

and Finally

The Depressed soul- This person is oh so sad. They have had so much heartbreak, and he/she is so glad to have finally met someone that they can really communicate with. It's so hard, so very very hard living in Mom's basement without any contact with people who care aside of Mr. Buttons (the 40 lb cat that also lives in the basement)

Example: "I am so glad I met you on this website! I have been single for a long time because I am tired of being used and abused by everyone. I've been kind of lonely but don't think I don't have any friends. I play WoW and have lots of friends there. I also have webkins that my mom brings me. Wait? You're going offline? Are you coming back? What time are you coming back? I just don't want to miss you. Here is my cell number just in case I am upstairs when you come back. Here's the home phone too just in case my cell isn't working. Maybe you can come visit me, I can send mom to the store for a bottle of wine..."
(This last one could have been me a few years back when I was going through a bit of WoW addiction.)

Now if you folks will excuse me, I feel like I could use a glass of wine...