When White Folks Get Married

I love white people. I really do. I love them so much that the Black community has revoked my darkie card since 96. However, as culturally sensitive as I am, there are a few things about white folk that I will never understand.

I went to a white folk wedding this weekend. Before I even got there, I knew that I would probably be overdressed. I knew this because years worth of experience and stereotyping has taught me that white people never dress appropriately for an occasion. I even dressed down and I still felt overdressed for the occasion. This is the most important day of someone's life (well until they get divorced and they have two or three more most important days)! Why in the world would I want to show up to that very special event in flip flops and a summer dress from Walmart? "Because Truth! It doesn't matter what someone wears so long as they are there to celebrate the love and joy and happiness of the event!"

Truth would like you all to know that if anyone tries to pull that BS at one of her weddings, she will start a stabathon. The Happy Couple obviously put a lot of time and care into their wedding. I am guessing they spent well over 75 bucks a head at the reception. I wouldn't buy most people I know a double cheeseburger! The least I can do for someone who spent that much money on any event is have the common courtesy to wear something other than the Walmart Reject line and a pair of sandals that I have been breaking in since 2003.

I will admit that We of the Dark persuasion tend to be overdressed at events. The person who presided over my wedding had a purple suit on (complete with tasteful gold chain and ring). My Father wore a suit that cost more than my car. "See! We don't feel the need to be showy! We just love each other Truth! My Uncle Cleatis may have worn cut off shorts and a wifebeater, but he came just to show us love and support!"(My Uncle Cleatis just came for the free bar, so they 1up'd me there)

On a side note, I would like to have a serious chat with anyone who is planning a wedding. Be mindful of where you sit people. I was stuck at what I lovingly termed the "Bitter Bitch Table". I realize there is a very distinct possibility that I fall right into the category of bitter bitchiness. However, there should be a rule that says there is only one bitter bitch per table. Speaking of 1up'd, I was also stuck with a Bitter Bitch that was also a Mario. Everything anyone had done could not compare to anything she had ever done.

BB: I got a great new job!
M: Really? So did I, I make eleventy billion a year as a model. (Note to readers, just no)
BB: That's great, My boyfriend that still won't commit to me because he's STUPID STUPID STUPID took me to Bali.
M: My boyfriend bought me a condo on the moon!

I could continue but you all get the point. At some point during the evening Mario decided the whole room needed to know that her boyfriend was some sort of Nancyboy gay homosexual because he plays World of Warcraft. "God why can't you do something like real men and play fantasy football?" (Truth would like to point out that the real men probably are playing football outdoors, with a ball, and not with a computer, but that would be crazy talk.) This would have been cute if it were a 20 second outburst. It ceased to be cute when we made it to 3 minutes and she was still berating this man in front of everyone about how much of a man he wasn't in her eyes. Where I come from, that's worth a kick to the ovaries. I sincerely hope that he went home and beat her ass. By the end of the night, I was trying to get the bartender to keep a steady flow of something liver burningly good so he could drown out the shrillness of her voice. "We have discussed this! You know we are going to the dance floor right now! I have no idea why you even try to deviate from the plan that I mostly decided. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Let's not forget the other category of women there. Ladies, I love you. Really, I do. Might I make a suggestion? I am glad that you had a baby and got to your pre-pregnancy weight. That's outstanding! However, if you are that special age when the tummy didn't snap back....you should probably not wear the skin tight tube dress. People will spend the whole night assuming you are in the early stages of pregnancy. You will be pissed off the moment that someone even insinuates that you look pregnant (and you do when you wear something that tight and still have the flappy tummy leftovers.) Also, we are proud of your motherhood. We love that you gave your child a unique name. We also know you just want everyone to know how trendy and unique you are if you say said child's name twice per minute for the whole night. " Grazia McKhenna (not McKenna like all those other losers that went with that name, we're unique!) come here! Grazia McKhenna, play nicely! Grazia McKhenna, show everyone your cute dress." Don't worry mom, in 13 years you can be jealous of the lithe body that she has and you will never have again.

I can't wait to go to another one of these. If you folks will excuse me, I have to start writing up the dress code rules for my non-existant nuptials.