What he says VS What she hears

Relationships are perfectly delightful creatures. They grow and eventually die just like everything else. It's just a matter of time really. I thought I might discuss one of the fun fun middle sections.

He Says : You're amazing but you're not the one for me.
She hears: You really aren't that amazing. Maybe amazingly annoying. Why are you still standing here?

He says: I really don't want to stop doing things with you.
She hears: I don't really want to cut off any possibility that my penis can enter some part of your body.

He says: We should think about it longer.
She hears: I am going to think about it until I find someone better.

He says: I'm probably a dick for feeling (insert feeling here)
She hears: I'm a dick but it's easier for me to call myself a dick than for you to call me one.

He says: I really can't see us doing anything long term.
She hears : Yeah, it was great but I am pretty sure I found someone better to screw around with. Won't cut the cord until I am sure though.

He says: I wasn't flirting with her.
She hears: I was flirting with her and now that you know I have to find a way to clean up what I was doing.

He says: Oh that crazy bitch? I barely know her. She is such a skank.
She hears: Yeah I still hit it. In fact I probably have in recent history. Remember when I told you I had to go out of town to help someone instead of keeping my plans with you? Yeah....sorry about that.

He says: I don't want to hurt you anymore.
She hears: It's easier to say this than admit I've lost interest.

He says: I'm too busy.
She hears: I've lost interest.

He says: I'll call you back.
She hears: I've lost interest.

He says: You're over-reacting
She hears: Thank God. If you get upset I can tell everyone else you had a crazy spell and not that I was a jackass.

She says: Screw this noise.
She says: Go ahead. Do better.
She says: If you think you can do better then I know I surely can.
She says: I also have a no backsies policy.
She says: If you will excuse me, I am off to have a glass of wine.

It's time for New Year's Lies!

This is a most holy time of year. This is the time of year that people will spend all day lying to themselves. It's a peculiar rite called "New Year's Resolutions".

How it works:
Prep work for this can start weeks and months before actual New Year's Day. People will start building themselves with what are popularly termed as white lies. "On New Year's, I am a changed person! I will no longer overeat. I will donate to charity. I will recycle. I can't wait! On New Year's day, a new ME is born!"

As it gets closer to New Year's , this practice gets louder and louder.

On New Year's Eve, People will have their last hurrah. If the resolution was to lose weight, they will pig out at a buffet. If it was to donate to charity, they will go blow money on hookers and blow. They feel entirely justified in these actions because they will be new people the next day.

New Year's Day will involve people cheerfully carrying about their new mandates as though they were a mantle of gold and silver. They will abhor all of their vices.

Then a week will pass.

Then another.

Then another.

Pretty soon things start to slip. Cheesecake here...No Dime to the March of Dimes there....and then the lies start.

"Oh well I had to eat that cake." or "I'll get St. Jude's later. I'm a little light this month."

By April, the resolutions are forgotten until roughly September. The cycle begins again.

Which brings me to the most important part of this missive.

My Resolutions! Ta Da!

In years past, I wrote one of these every year and reported if I actually maintained my resolutions. Sadly, my old site is gone and those missives are lost to the intertubes somewhere.

So 2010.....
1. I have 40 more lbs to lose. Actually being honest, I have slightly more than that to lose but not enough for me to break out a calculator and be exact.
2. I think I screwed myself out of one of the cum laudes so I will settle for the lowest cum laude I can graduate with. Magna? Summa? Hell if i remember.
3. There are a few more that can all be rolled into the category of "Fuck that Motherfucker". Sufficeth to say...yeah...Fuck all that noise. The best Revenge one can have is living well so I have been told. I am not so sure about that but it's a cute saying and we all know those are always right, right?

We'll see how it works out. It's in print now and I do try to keep my prevarications to a minimum.

Happy 2

Today's new installment of "Happy" is brought to you by the letter "L" the number "1" and enough bitterness to bring an early heat death to the universe.

I suppose if there is any day to be bitter about something, New Year's Eve is it. Might as well start the new year out right. Fantastically enough, I do some of my best work with Bitter. I could paint whole beautiful landscapes with bitter thoughts laced with good intentions.

"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold- but so does a hard boiled egg."

Happy

So what happens when Truth tries to be happy?
1. She stops blogging because she only blogs when she is angry.
2. She thinks she can carry on with life as a normal individual that doesn't frequently think about setting people on fire.

Well lucky for everyone...that's all over.

Yippe ki yay Fuckers.

That might actually be the first time I dropped an F bomb in a blog.

If a world can't run on happiness and sparkly vampires then it can run on the constant anger that I carry around.

Maybe I'm back. Maybe I'm not. I do know one thing. I should have taken the blue pill.

Random Lollapalooza Notes

There will be no moshing during Mr. Brightside. Who makes a mosh pit at a Killers concert? (the literal answer to this is drunken 14 year old males, the figurative answer to this is idiots) Also, if you mosh/punch my 300 something pound companion, you will most likely get an elbow to the face.

I will punch you in the kidney if you injure me during your crowd surfing adventure.

There is not enough fine 2009 vintage squeeze bottle wine in the whole park for anyone to sit through a rainy friday Lollapalooza festival. (Fortunately for me, There was enough Depeche mode for me to sit through the apocolypse if neccessary.)

To the chicks sitting on someone's shoulders: Yes, people are aiming at you with bottles. Do you know why? Because you are blocking the screen and the view of the stage.

To the dudes sitting on someone's shoulders: Yes, People are aiming at you with bottles. Do you know why? Because every guy that weighs more than you thinks you are some sort of a pussy. (Note, I was not aiming at or throwing anything at anyone generally. I have been to lolla before and have never seen this particular custom.)

To the angry man at the Snoop Dogg concert: I am sorry that you hate this C-Rap. I will be very glad when the real music starts as well. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear how crappy the concert was over your shouting every word of every song. You do realize there were about 10 other concerts going on around the park right? Pretty sure Lou Reed was somewhere guy.

Do not wear your cutest outfit/newest shoes/anything of value to lollapalooza. Friday's weather took out so many adorable summer dresses and flip flops that even I had to feel bad for some of the poor bedragled people.

Drunken people at Kidpalooza are funny. Drunken people watching a band called Secret Agent 23 Skidoo are even more funny. Having Lolla staff remind people that Kidpalooza is for kids is nearly priceless. (A quick count showed that there was more beer at Kidpalooza than actual kids)

Everything in South Lolla smells vaguely of urine and shame.

*random serious note* People who throw things at the homeless are douchebags.

Random things heard at Lollapalooza this year:

1. Do you know Americans invented trade? Before we built the canal in South America, there was no way to trade on the other side of the world.

2. Time traveling Bill Clinton (I have no idea what that conversation was about. I am half hoping it is a band name)

3. Time is money! Start the human sacrifice! ( wait, what?)

4. The bridge to no where would have saved us 24 hours because it would have crossed the international dateline!

5. Anarchy is neither created or destroyed! (this was technically heard on the L)

*edited to add worst pick up line ever* "You look just like my roomie except for you are totally skinnier than her.

All in all, it was a pretty good three days. I have to admit that I didn't know as many bands as I did at the previous years' lollapalooza festivals this time around. The food was fantastic and almost reasonably priced this year. I learned that Maui Wowi smoothies have some sort of crack or meth like substance in them and I will probably need some sort of rehab to deal with that addiction now. Can't wait until next year. If you folks will excuse me, I am off to collapse.

Truth advocates abuse

*Disclaimer* This is a story where I advocated the abuse of a woman. If you are easily offended, you should bypass this story and go read about kittens, and rainbows, and Obama.

Right before I broke my leg, I was kicked out of my GURPS group. For those not in the know (like myself right before they introduced me to it), Gurps is a roleplaying system. Think DND but with fewer rules. I was playing with 3 dudes and a chick. *More Disclaimer* I don't need to hear about how I must be anti-feminist, carry on. Generally, I don't fool with too many chicks. It's simply because I don't have the patience for the nonsense that comes with them. I have spent the better part of two years trying to get into a gaming group here in town that has banned females because they bring drama or otherwise interfere with gameplay. True to sterotypical form, this chick spent almost all gameplay complaining about her abusive home situation. "He teaches our son to hit me. He hit me. He won't pay my fines for that time I was driving uninsured. I'm miserable." All the males in our group were Dudley Do-Right, or most likely Dudly Do-Her pretty please, so they spent a lot of time interrupting game play to tell her they would support her in moving out and getting away from the abusive man.

Abusive man was not there to hear all of this conversation. Abusive man was at work. He was too busy being abusive by working to pay bills to come play Gurps. He was so abusive that she felt the need to call him every 20 minutes. "Hi Honey! I miss you! I am totally not sitting here flirting with three other men while you're at work."

Finally, after listening to this for several hours, I grudglingly admitted that I worked for a place that had several programs to help people like her. Before I type the rest of this, I need to get my mind right. *Most Disclaimer* If Raging Stupidity makes your head explode, stop reading here.

She said "Well, I would have to get a ride to the office to apply.Then they would want me to fill out forms. Then they might expect me to get a job and go to school."

I blinked. Then I got kicked out because what came next was apparently the wrong thing to say to or about anyone who might be abused. "If you are too lazy to go get on welfare, then you deserve that beating you are getting. How lazy do you have to be to say that APPLYING FOR WELFARE is too much work? Either your life isn't that bad or you're a waste of air."

So why am I telling this story now? Because the person who told me I was too mean keeps popping up on my match list.

Do I condone abuse? No. Will I tell a lazy ho to get a job? Yes.

If you will excuse me, I am off to campaign against letting darkies and women vote.

When White Folks Get Married

I love white people. I really do. I love them so much that the Black community has revoked my darkie card since 96. However, as culturally sensitive as I am, there are a few things about white folk that I will never understand.

I went to a white folk wedding this weekend. Before I even got there, I knew that I would probably be overdressed. I knew this because years worth of experience and stereotyping has taught me that white people never dress appropriately for an occasion. I even dressed down and I still felt overdressed for the occasion. This is the most important day of someone's life (well until they get divorced and they have two or three more most important days)! Why in the world would I want to show up to that very special event in flip flops and a summer dress from Walmart? "Because Truth! It doesn't matter what someone wears so long as they are there to celebrate the love and joy and happiness of the event!"

Truth would like you all to know that if anyone tries to pull that BS at one of her weddings, she will start a stabathon. The Happy Couple obviously put a lot of time and care into their wedding. I am guessing they spent well over 75 bucks a head at the reception. I wouldn't buy most people I know a double cheeseburger! The least I can do for someone who spent that much money on any event is have the common courtesy to wear something other than the Walmart Reject line and a pair of sandals that I have been breaking in since 2003.

I will admit that We of the Dark persuasion tend to be overdressed at events. The person who presided over my wedding had a purple suit on (complete with tasteful gold chain and ring). My Father wore a suit that cost more than my car. "See! We don't feel the need to be showy! We just love each other Truth! My Uncle Cleatis may have worn cut off shorts and a wifebeater, but he came just to show us love and support!"(My Uncle Cleatis just came for the free bar, so they 1up'd me there)

On a side note, I would like to have a serious chat with anyone who is planning a wedding. Be mindful of where you sit people. I was stuck at what I lovingly termed the "Bitter Bitch Table". I realize there is a very distinct possibility that I fall right into the category of bitter bitchiness. However, there should be a rule that says there is only one bitter bitch per table. Speaking of 1up'd, I was also stuck with a Bitter Bitch that was also a Mario. Everything anyone had done could not compare to anything she had ever done.

BB: I got a great new job!
M: Really? So did I, I make eleventy billion a year as a model. (Note to readers, just no)
BB: That's great, My boyfriend that still won't commit to me because he's STUPID STUPID STUPID took me to Bali.
M: My boyfriend bought me a condo on the moon!

I could continue but you all get the point. At some point during the evening Mario decided the whole room needed to know that her boyfriend was some sort of Nancyboy gay homosexual because he plays World of Warcraft. "God why can't you do something like real men and play fantasy football?" (Truth would like to point out that the real men probably are playing football outdoors, with a ball, and not with a computer, but that would be crazy talk.) This would have been cute if it were a 20 second outburst. It ceased to be cute when we made it to 3 minutes and she was still berating this man in front of everyone about how much of a man he wasn't in her eyes. Where I come from, that's worth a kick to the ovaries. I sincerely hope that he went home and beat her ass. By the end of the night, I was trying to get the bartender to keep a steady flow of something liver burningly good so he could drown out the shrillness of her voice. "We have discussed this! You know we are going to the dance floor right now! I have no idea why you even try to deviate from the plan that I mostly decided. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Let's not forget the other category of women there. Ladies, I love you. Really, I do. Might I make a suggestion? I am glad that you had a baby and got to your pre-pregnancy weight. That's outstanding! However, if you are that special age when the tummy didn't snap back....you should probably not wear the skin tight tube dress. People will spend the whole night assuming you are in the early stages of pregnancy. You will be pissed off the moment that someone even insinuates that you look pregnant (and you do when you wear something that tight and still have the flappy tummy leftovers.) Also, we are proud of your motherhood. We love that you gave your child a unique name. We also know you just want everyone to know how trendy and unique you are if you say said child's name twice per minute for the whole night. " Grazia McKhenna (not McKenna like all those other losers that went with that name, we're unique!) come here! Grazia McKhenna, play nicely! Grazia McKhenna, show everyone your cute dress." Don't worry mom, in 13 years you can be jealous of the lithe body that she has and you will never have again.

I can't wait to go to another one of these. If you folks will excuse me, I have to start writing up the dress code rules for my non-existant nuptials.