Pre-Valentine's Day Fun For All Ages! (What he says vs What she hears part 2)

Originally, this was going to be titled something along the lines of "This Nigger said what?" or "Oh hell no, I can't believe this Lucky Charms Leprechaun just said this BullShit" Fortunately for the readership at hand that at just this very moment I have decided to change anything that I was going to write to another fun round of What He says vs What she hears! I have been going back and forth because I only really write on Saturdays now but I also do a traditional "Valentine's day is (insert word here)" Blog. So I guess everyone gets two blogs this weekend. Hurrah! (Last years blog seems to have been lost in a haze of vicodin. I can barely remember what I did last Valentine's day. Probably a good thing This blog will be Stabariffic(tm)* enough without me becomong decidedly more bitter since last time.)
*****It has come to my attention that my usage of the word stab is amusing and is being borrowed. That's fine so long as everyone remembers that I will cut a nigger FIRST. Thank you.**

He says: "Hey, good to see you"
She hears: "It's ok, everything's cool. This is nice. No knives are out. Everyone just be cool."

He says: "You don't look very comfortable."
She hears: "Great, just great. I thought we would be friends by this point! But no, you have to go and screw it up with your remembering of events!"

He says: "So, How's school?"
She hears: " You can still read right? I know you were generally an A student before but that might have changed in the amazingly long period of time that it has been since we last spoke."

He says: "I'm trying here"
She hears: "I'm trying right this second so it doesn't matter that I didn't before...bitch (for good measure since this is vivid Truth-o-vision(tm) )

He says: "You're looking a bit like you might stab me"
She hears "This is the first time I am going to be accurate with anything I have said in recent history!"

He says: *Absolutely nothing but looks a bit purple*
She hears: "Ok, maybe if I sprint now and then throw a chair in her path, she won't be able to catch me and we will never speak of this event again"

SHE says: "So umm how about that Superbowl?"
He hears: "Desperate Attempt at being polite. This is more than I am used to attempting so just go with it. I actually know nothing about or care about the super bowl but it has to be slightly less painful than this conversation."

He says: "Well the right team won and......(insert droning conversation about how the colt's aren't human and some other stuff)"
She hears: "OH THANK PIRATE JESUS! We aren't talking about anything that will get me stabbed...unless she's a colt's fan...oh crap WHAT IF SHE'S A COLT'S FAN! Wait when did I suddenly start caring about what anyone thinks? Ok now I'm back in the comfort zone"

He says : "Apparently, I'm an Asshole"
She hears: " I am definitely an Asshole"

She Says: "You know this near yelling match in front of Brunhilde the waitress is loads of fun. You know what would be more fun? Ice Cream!"
He hears: "The moment you step out of this building, your ass is mine motherfucker. See this spork? It's going in your jugular"

She says: "No really, Ice Cream. Either that or lots and lots of intoxicating beverages, you pick"
He hears: " *ALARM KLAXONS* THIS IS A TRAP!"

He says: "You seem a lot less stabby with ice cream."
She hears: "Wow if all it took was to calm your as down was sugar, next time I am showing up with a Kripsy Kreme and Snickers Salad."

He says: "Thanks for showing up"
She says: "No Problem, see you next week"

Now if you folks will excuse me, it is time for me to start the ritualistic day before Valentine's sacrifices. A brother could send a sister some flowers or something.