Stories from Chicago to follow

Sorry everyone! I have been entrusted with another employee at my job. Why anyone would do this is beyond me. What it means is that the Chicago blog has to wait until I am at home. I also can't find the sign I bought from a homeless guy and let me tell you it's not a trip to Chicago without buying signs from the homeless. If you will excuse me, I have to go be a model employee.

Asleep on the Job

Sorry Everyone! I'm asleep on the job. Originally, I planned to write the infamous Valentine's blog but I am perfectly content this year. As you all know, I can't write unless I am irritated about something. If I wrote a perfectly happy blog, the universe might collapse. I need for someone to do something stupid. Usually, I have someone on standby for that sort of thing but that would require for me to talk to him more than I am willing to at the moment. I try to keep mind-numbingly bad conversations to a minimum.

I have a trip to Chicago this week. Everyone pray a homeless guy pees on my shoes or something.

When the GM smiles...

As some of you know, I do a bit of role playing. For the purposes of people that know me better than others, I should specify that this blog is about table top gaming and not the other sort of roleplay (at least not this week). I am terribly new to being the GM of a game. It doesn't matter though. I have now felt the power of being a GM and let me tell anyone who might do a campaign with me, You never want to see me smile, laugh, or look confused.

Scenario: We have three players. One is playing a half elf half elemental half crazy entirely gay character from some sort of cult clan. We have one Dark elf that threw a fit because he couldn't be a drow.

Gay Dark Elf: I wanna be a Drow!
Non-Gay GM: Dude there are no Drow in this campaign. If you want to be an successful and attractive elf of color, fine, but there are no drow.
Gay Dark Elf: But I wanna be a Drow!
Non-Gay GM: You can't be a Drow if they don't exist here.
GDE: But Drow Drowity Drow blah blah blah way better than gay light elves Drow Drow Drow.
NGGM: Note to self- this character starts in the Lake of Burny Fire Stabby Things.

We have a player playing some sort of human ghost chasing monk (think ghost busters except he has a magic staff (pervs) ) and we have a ranger that is being played by someone that had no idea roleplaying could be table top gaming. When I asked her to Role play she got excited and started talking about how long she had waited for this day. She seemed disappointed when I handed her dice instead of a riding crop. She glanced at the books and immediately created a character more brilliant than any character I have ever created after the most painstaking of character creation sessions.

I thought that i would do a bit of pre-gaming so I could see where everyone would start. I thought that this would be more fun than just throwing everyone in a bar. What could possibly go wrong?

Everyone is visited by a vision. No one is on the same continent. None of the characters even know each other.

The Vision (everyone has it, they can't will save out of it, they are just dealing with this, the end): A woman appears. She is very pale. She has crystal blue eyes, hair so pale it's nearly white, and she's weeping blood. She is almost entirely shrouded in a cloak made of white feathers. She is holding a very ornate mirror. She is speaking in a language that no one has the ability to understand.(the rules lawyer in my group tried to get around it but since it's pre-game, it doesn't include his insane ability to get ghost elemental spirits to translate for him). She is advancing upon each person receiving this vision. What do they do? (I should mention that before this started that the phrase "Things are smelling a bit Deific (deity-ish whatever) was uttered as a helpful hint)

Drowboy says "Let's Kill her" seeming to forget none of them are on the same continent.

HalfElfHalfCrazy says "I think that if I check the Rule book I should be able to use my int modifer and take it times the 20 points I put in Lore, divided by my ability to summon elementals and take that all and add it to the speed of B.S.ology and I should be able to identify if she is an apparition or a deity of some sort."

Ghostbuster says: "Obviously she is a ghost since this is a vision and no harm can come to me" (Gm laughs uproariously)

Rangette says: Can I roll to see if I am getting drunk?

Our Lady of the Bleeding Eyes offers the mirror for a look.

Drowboy: "I think I should stab her instead."

HalfElfHalfCrazy says: "Since I took protection against possession I would like it to be known that no part of me looking in this mirror can open my body for possession"

GM says: Dude this is a fun pregaming exercise. I am not using the book. I just wanted to find a better way to decide where you started than "A ranger, a monk, and two gay elves walk into a bar..."
HalfElfHalfCrazy says: "Well I still think that since I had to put 15 points in unusual background that it should represent my devotion to the cult of Meshaine and part of her cult involves certain ceremonies that guard against possession as you can see in page 84 of my back story and on subsection 7 addendum d of my character sheet.
GM says: Ok Noted. ****HEHC rolls the appropriate number to spontaneously bleed from all of his pores. Wasn't really an option before that moment. Glad I thought of it.
HalfElfHalfCrazy says: Is this a mana rich environment because I took Mana Sense and if I don't get mana I will start to lose hp per turn and I want to know how this affected by my bleeding out right now.
Gm says: Dude, your turn's over, just bleed for a while.

Drowboy: If I were a Drow I would have already killed her.
GM: Let's step out of game for a moment, shall we Wandering Drow....You may have noticed that your counterpart here rolled and is now bleeding from every pore in his body. What makes you think that you can kill her?
Drowboy: Because Drow are totally kickass.
GM: *Weeps a bit for the future of America* All right, what do you want to do?
Drowboy: I'm going to look in the mirror, then Ill kill her.
GM: Oh, I'm sorry. You rolled a 6 (1d6 for this little exercise) You are minus half your health and have ancient runes burned into your skin over 90% of your body. That's probably a disadvantage of some sort, look it up.
Drowboy: That wouldn't have happened if I were a drow!
GM: And you wouldn't have happened if your mom had swallowed but you don't see me bitching do you now?

Rangette: Can I roll to see if I can get money for dancing topless on a bar?
GM: Sure but what about Our Lady of the Bleedy Eyes?
Rangette: Well I'm drunk right?
GM: Well yes...you're drinking and most likely drunk by this point...
Rangette: Well I probably shouldn't drink that shit again, I saw some fucked up stuff. I wanna dance with a dwarf! They are just the right height...everybody conga!
(I should add that Rangette might have been the smartest person out of the group)

Ghostbuster: Well this is interesting. Hello there Apparition! I should warn you that I have been trained in the arts of calming lost souls and storing them in my staff.
BleedyEyes: (If anyone could have understood her) No one is really scared of a dude with a "magic staff".
Random Non-about to kill random player Wights: That's what She said! Heeey!
Ghostbuster: Oh, Look a mirror!
GM: What do you do?
Ghostbuster: Well the only Logical thing! I take the mirror from her.
GM: .....You what?
GB: I take the mirror from her! Seems simple enough.
GM: My dove, let us step out of game for a moment. You have seen although not really seen what happened to these people when they had the most basic of interactions with her...and you want to what?
GB: She's just a ghost. I take the mirror.

This is where I must break. For people not in the know, I have been writing a story for the past 5 years that involves a couple gods. Now I figured since I was playing with people that do know me they might remember that I have a bit of a world destroying gods fetish.

GM: Hold on, I have to recalibrate what you have to roll for this as I had no system for "Decided to snatch an artifact from the hands of a god"
GB: You mean Ghost.
GM: Riiiight, So, suddenly another person is in the vision. He is very big and steps protectively in front of Our Lady of the Questionable Vision. He has a very big, very shiny, very stabby looking axe named Malediction.
HEHC: Oh oh oh oh! I need to roll on my lore knowledge! My people have heard tales of this axe!
GM: Would you shut up? You're bleeding out in your own vision. You aren't even *here*.
GB: Goody another ghost for me to purify!
GM: Wow dude, no.
GB: I am the righteous purifier of all restless spirits!
GM: LOL Why is eveyone so bent on dying?? ( GM decides the magic number needed to be 'olled is 3. 1 gets GB hacked up by the axe. 2 gets GB Hacked up by the Axe and then spit on for good measure. 4 gets GB hacked up by the axe, resurrected only to be set on fire then hacked up by the axe again. 5 gets GB hacked up by the axe then roasted over a fire with a hint of basil and eaten by an unsuspecting orphanage. 6 gets him a homeless drow that lives on the couch and appears to be suffering 3rd degree ancient rune burns over 90% of his body. Only three gets GB "deity has a sense of humor".
GB: *rolls a three*
GM: Seriously? You have got to be kidding!
GB: By what authority do you enter my dreams, you insignificant ghosts!
GM: Wow, just wow. This is not what I imagined. Ok....the dude with the Axe bigger than your whole body says "You're a nice kid. Give the Lady her mirror back".
GB: Why should I?
GM: Sigh, ok roll. What are the chances you can roll a three twice....holy crap another three...I should kill you out of spite!
GB: Who wha?
GM: You know what never mind
Rangette: You guys should come to the bar, Sanalind the half elf half halfing is doing a neat trick with something called an Elven Egg!

If you folks will excuse me, I am off to prepare for the actual campaign.I bet 5 bucks on Rangette being the only survivor.

Pre-Valentine's Day Fun For All Ages! (What he says vs What she hears part 2)

Originally, this was going to be titled something along the lines of "This Nigger said what?" or "Oh hell no, I can't believe this Lucky Charms Leprechaun just said this BullShit" Fortunately for the readership at hand that at just this very moment I have decided to change anything that I was going to write to another fun round of What He says vs What she hears! I have been going back and forth because I only really write on Saturdays now but I also do a traditional "Valentine's day is (insert word here)" Blog. So I guess everyone gets two blogs this weekend. Hurrah! (Last years blog seems to have been lost in a haze of vicodin. I can barely remember what I did last Valentine's day. Probably a good thing This blog will be Stabariffic(tm)* enough without me becomong decidedly more bitter since last time.)
*****It has come to my attention that my usage of the word stab is amusing and is being borrowed. That's fine so long as everyone remembers that I will cut a nigger FIRST. Thank you.**

He says: "Hey, good to see you"
She hears: "It's ok, everything's cool. This is nice. No knives are out. Everyone just be cool."

He says: "You don't look very comfortable."
She hears: "Great, just great. I thought we would be friends by this point! But no, you have to go and screw it up with your remembering of events!"

He says: "So, How's school?"
She hears: " You can still read right? I know you were generally an A student before but that might have changed in the amazingly long period of time that it has been since we last spoke."

He says: "I'm trying here"
She hears: "I'm trying right this second so it doesn't matter that I didn't before...bitch (for good measure since this is vivid Truth-o-vision(tm) )

He says: "You're looking a bit like you might stab me"
She hears "This is the first time I am going to be accurate with anything I have said in recent history!"

He says: *Absolutely nothing but looks a bit purple*
She hears: "Ok, maybe if I sprint now and then throw a chair in her path, she won't be able to catch me and we will never speak of this event again"

SHE says: "So umm how about that Superbowl?"
He hears: "Desperate Attempt at being polite. This is more than I am used to attempting so just go with it. I actually know nothing about or care about the super bowl but it has to be slightly less painful than this conversation."

He says: "Well the right team won and......(insert droning conversation about how the colt's aren't human and some other stuff)"
She hears: "OH THANK PIRATE JESUS! We aren't talking about anything that will get me stabbed...unless she's a colt's fan...oh crap WHAT IF SHE'S A COLT'S FAN! Wait when did I suddenly start caring about what anyone thinks? Ok now I'm back in the comfort zone"

He says : "Apparently, I'm an Asshole"
She hears: " I am definitely an Asshole"

She Says: "You know this near yelling match in front of Brunhilde the waitress is loads of fun. You know what would be more fun? Ice Cream!"
He hears: "The moment you step out of this building, your ass is mine motherfucker. See this spork? It's going in your jugular"

She says: "No really, Ice Cream. Either that or lots and lots of intoxicating beverages, you pick"
He hears: " *ALARM KLAXONS* THIS IS A TRAP!"

He says: "You seem a lot less stabby with ice cream."
She hears: "Wow if all it took was to calm your as down was sugar, next time I am showing up with a Kripsy Kreme and Snickers Salad."

He says: "Thanks for showing up"
She says: "No Problem, see you next week"

Now if you folks will excuse me, it is time for me to start the ritualistic day before Valentine's sacrifices. A brother could send a sister some flowers or something.

Keep it Secret. Keep it Safe.

Operation Hobbit-Fucker is a go. (Trust me folks, you don't want to know. I am 30 seconds from canceling it at any given moment so you may never know.)

Truth Tip of the Day: Googling "Hobbit-Fucker" at work will most likely get you strange but knowing looks from the customers. (GIS of this term pulls up this image : Linky Linky . Sox fans are a strange people.)

Many of you are probably confused as to why I am blogging about this. Good News Everyone! It's saving you all from the " I can't stand Silly White Girls" blog. ("Like OMG my fiancee is in like the military and like what if he wants me to move some place stupid like Afghanistan? I would just die! That would be so inconsiderate of him for not considering my needs and getting stationed in Canada!" I don't even support the troops most days and I know that little girl needs to be stabbed directly in the eye. There is so much wrong with that sentence that my brain cells spark and fizzle every time I try to start a blog about that.)

Operation H.F. will be a very short and hopefully painless operation. Much like Euthanasia except with BBQ sauce instead of happy go night night serum. The code word for this little shindig was Betrayal but apparently that's not very nice. I figure an operation has to have an edgy password like "Betrayal" or "Ho's in different area codes" or "Stabbycakes". My old school tactics are not welcome these days. Tough crowd out there, tough crowd.


In other unrelated news, I seek opinions. Would any of you be friends with someone that clearly finds you to be sub par? That seems like a bad idea to me. Apparently, all the hip young people are fine with this. Of course, they haven't been found to be lacking except for in common sense.
In my various traipsing through social circles, I have discovered that there is just no point in being friends with people you don't like well enough to pull a knife from their neck to let them mercifully bleed out. Thank goodness the minion is a much softer touch than I am. Two of us hating the universe would probably lead to another Malvo type situation where everyone assumes some white people took a dive off the deep end but really it's just two geeks with a paintball gun and a world of warcraft subscription.

If you all will excuse me, I am off to stab this better person I keep hearing about (Don't think she and I will ever meet. We are repelling each other much like two magnets on the wrong end do. I hear she has a pretty smile. I won't trade her for my rictus today.)