I'd Write You a Love Letter (This blog is actually about You)

I thought about writing you a love letter.
Quit Laughing!
I am perfectly capable of penning glorious sentiments.
I am also perfectly capable of stealing much better ones.

O, my luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

Hmmm, I am disturbed by this sentiment. My love really isn't that red. It definitely isn't rosey. I despise the month of June (my roses are never blooming then anyway).
My love is melodious only if one considers the great musical stylings of WHAM! and Prince to be the greatest expression of musical talent.

Perhaps I should choose another....
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1. I haven't stabbed you to death yet.
2. There is nothing about you that can't be tolerated.
3. Still haven't stabbed you to death....
4. A lot of my points involve stabbing
5. I am not sure that counts as a romantic sentiment
6. I mean, I would be touched if someone told me "You know, you don't need a stabbing"
7. I wasn't touched when I was told that my composite score made up for my slightly less than perfect attractiveness score.
8. Not that I am bitter about that
9. And by not bitter I mean that I am thinking about stabby things.
10. Pretty sure this list is only going to get me sent to therapy...

Let's not go that route. Seems like a bad course of action. Left turn directly into another sentiment...

Don't you care for my love? she said bitterly.

I handed her the mirror, and said:
Please address these questions to the proper person!
Please make all requests to head-quarters!
In all matters of emotional importance
please approach the supreme authority direct! -

So I handed her the mirror.
And she would have broken it over my head,
but she caught sight of her own reflection
and that held her spellbound for two seconds
while I fled.

ABORT ABORT ABORT ****Too close to the truth! Initiate Immediate Emergency Shutdown! System failure imminent!

I almost got stuck in a loop there.

You rarely say the right thing
I miss you occasionally
Not all the time because that would make you vain and it would make me weak
I'm not a fan of the situation at hand at the moment
But we play the hand we've been dealt
One of us is winning but damned if I can figure out who
I don't believe in ties, which kinda sucks now that I think about it
I want to not celebrate Valentine's day like I did last year
This little missive probably won't reach you
I might as well be speaking Chinese
我要写信给你是驴子，但谷歌可以翻译句子。我不知道你关心不够翻译这句话。我还知道有一个词中的讽刺
(He he...the above sentence is actually hilarious. The Chinese word for sarcasm is fěng​cì​ by the way. Also 谷歌 Gǔ​gē​ means google. It's a sound equivalent. I am pretty stoked that I could see that without knowing the characters entirely. Also, Donkey is not what I had in mind but I am sure enterprising inidividuals will get the point)
Things that make little sense written down should probably not be put out where I keep my general thoughts.
Oh well, they are out there now. To post or not to Post? That is the question.
Actually the question is most likely something a bit more serious.
Do you care now that it's here?
It took me 3 hours to compose this nonsense so I am not even sure if I care anymore.
I vote we go get BBQ instead. Call me if you are interested.

If you folks will excuse me, I am off to be this better person I keep hearing about.
(For people actually interested in the translation try this link: http://us.mdbg.net/chindict/chindict.php?page=translate
*edited for appropriate link*

You're so Vain. I bet you think this Blog is about you.

(I don't drink coffee. Guess I have Typhoons in my Iced Tea.)

You're so vain. I bet you think this Blog is about you, Don't you?

I could write about my love or hate or annoyances and you would think it was about you.

I wonder why.

Do you think that your influence is so great that I spend every minute of my day climbing up the mountain that is your vanity? (I have enough of my own)

Tricks are for kids Trick.

Do you think that I won't meet your gaze with head held high? My eyes are shining steel and Honey let me tell you, you're no Mithril. I have already pierced through to see the inner you.

Do you think you can slow me down? Does a charging horse stop to deal with a trifling housefly?

In the words of the great philosopher Popeye, "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam"

I've got this.

You've got the greatest prize of all! Yourself. To thine own self be true. Not that you have a problem with that.

Maybe you never noticed who I was. Maybe you never cared. Maybe it was too complicated.

Let me tell you a little about me.

I might stumble but I never fall.
I'm gloriously flawed.
I play careful but I bet it all.
I'll keep coming and coming and coming.
This fist is dainty but iron.
I've got diamonds in my eyes and rubies at my throat.
I have visions so vivid that even the sane see.

Whoopsy. I'm so vain. I bet this blog is about me. There's no room for you anymore. Bye Bye Sad Eyes.

Peace

Finally. Everyone loves a new beginning. Lucky for me, it's already started. One man's trash is apparently still another man's treasure.

What he says VS What she hears

Relationships are perfectly delightful creatures. They grow and eventually die just like everything else. It's just a matter of time really. I thought I might discuss one of the fun fun middle sections.

He Says : You're amazing but you're not the one for me.
She hears: You really aren't that amazing. Maybe amazingly annoying. Why are you still standing here?

He says: I really don't want to stop doing things with you.
She hears: I don't really want to cut off any possibility that my penis can enter some part of your body.

He says: We should think about it longer.
She hears: I am going to think about it until I find someone better.

He says: I'm probably a dick for feeling (insert feeling here)
She hears: I'm a dick but it's easier for me to call myself a dick than for you to call me one.

He says: I really can't see us doing anything long term.
She hears : Yeah, it was great but I am pretty sure I found someone better to screw around with. Won't cut the cord until I am sure though.

He says: I wasn't flirting with her.
She hears: I was flirting with her and now that you know I have to find a way to clean up what I was doing.

He says: Oh that crazy bitch? I barely know her. She is such a skank.
She hears: Yeah I still hit it. In fact I probably have in recent history. Remember when I told you I had to go out of town to help someone instead of keeping my plans with you? Yeah....sorry about that.

He says: I don't want to hurt you anymore.
She hears: It's easier to say this than admit I've lost interest.

He says: I'm too busy.
She hears: I've lost interest.

He says: I'll call you back.
She hears: I've lost interest.

He says: You're over-reacting
She hears: Thank God. If you get upset I can tell everyone else you had a crazy spell and not that I was a jackass.

She says: Screw this noise.
She says: Go ahead. Do better.
She says: If you think you can do better then I know I surely can.
She says: I also have a no backsies policy.
She says: If you will excuse me, I am off to have a glass of wine.

It's time for New Year's Lies!

This is a most holy time of year. This is the time of year that people will spend all day lying to themselves. It's a peculiar rite called "New Year's Resolutions".

How it works:
Prep work for this can start weeks and months before actual New Year's Day. People will start building themselves with what are popularly termed as white lies. "On New Year's, I am a changed person! I will no longer overeat. I will donate to charity. I will recycle. I can't wait! On New Year's day, a new ME is born!"

As it gets closer to New Year's , this practice gets louder and louder.

On New Year's Eve, People will have their last hurrah. If the resolution was to lose weight, they will pig out at a buffet. If it was to donate to charity, they will go blow money on hookers and blow. They feel entirely justified in these actions because they will be new people the next day.

New Year's Day will involve people cheerfully carrying about their new mandates as though they were a mantle of gold and silver. They will abhor all of their vices.

Then a week will pass.

Then another.

Then another.

Pretty soon things start to slip. Cheesecake here...No Dime to the March of Dimes there....and then the lies start.

"Oh well I had to eat that cake." or "I'll get St. Jude's later. I'm a little light this month."

By April, the resolutions are forgotten until roughly September. The cycle begins again.

Which brings me to the most important part of this missive.

My Resolutions! Ta Da!

In years past, I wrote one of these every year and reported if I actually maintained my resolutions. Sadly, my old site is gone and those missives are lost to the intertubes somewhere.

So 2010.....
1. I have 40 more lbs to lose. Actually being honest, I have slightly more than that to lose but not enough for me to break out a calculator and be exact.
2. I think I screwed myself out of one of the cum laudes so I will settle for the lowest cum laude I can graduate with. Magna? Summa? Hell if i remember.
3. There are a few more that can all be rolled into the category of "Fuck that Motherfucker". Sufficeth to say...yeah...Fuck all that noise. The best Revenge one can have is living well so I have been told. I am not so sure about that but it's a cute saying and we all know those are always right, right?

We'll see how it works out. It's in print now and I do try to keep my prevarications to a minimum.