Truth glimpsed the Unity of the Universe...

(Or my real life got irritating enough that I hallucinated it)
I glimpsed the Unity of the Universe this morning. I could see it! It was like a fractal on a cupcake, delicious but surprisingly mathematical in nature. For a moment, I and the Universe were one. I let go of the self, the ego, and rushed out into chaos of total consciousness. I looked inside myself and found the Nothing (much like The Never Ending Story, but with cooler effects) and while lost in it, I found everything I needed to harness all of the power in the Universe into one focused beam of energy that would DESTROY THE CITY THAT MY FREAKING REALTOR KEEPS LOSING MY DING DANGED PAPERWORK IN.

Alas, when that thought crystallized, The Unity of the Universe faded from me, and all I was left with was an overly wordy blog venting my frustration about the home buying process. At least a gal can still fantasize about re-arranging molecules with her powers of mind control (Or maybe the Force, but I don't like the Force as much now that it is a bacterial infection that might accidentally be cleared up by taking an anti-biotic).

Instead of letting go of the myth of reality my brain has created for me, I will wait by the phone (that may or may not exist at this point. I am having some serious issues with the constructs of my mind this morning. Who knew real estate had that effect?) I will have to transcend myself another time.
If you folks will excuse me, I am off to see if I can start bending spoons with my mind. There is no spoon....there is no spoon....

Weight loss and Little Miss Green Eyes: a child's tale

In the beginning, Truth was fat, and it was good. It was good because it gave some of Truth's friends and family a person to stand next to and not look as fat as they probably were. They never worried about what they were eating because they could always say that at least they weren't as fat as Truth.

Anyone who has lost a significant amount of weight may be able to relate to this post. In this day and age, it isn't ok to be fat. We are constantly bombarded with media depictions of what we should look like. Why is it that if one of us makes the attempt to better our appearance, everyone else resists?

I can't lie. I used to be super fat. Truthy Truthy DoubleWide Fat. My friends liked it like that. You see, even though they might be heavy, they were never as heavy as me so therefore in the "Damn, glad I am not as fat as that fat ass" safe zone. I would have never known it until wonders of wonders, I lost some weight. Suddenly, attitudes began to change.

Step one: Ha! Look at Truth. She's trying to lose some weight. Isn't she adorable? Everyone bring her ho-ho's!
Step two: Huh, whadya know? She's lost 20 lbs. Well good for her, she's still fatter than us though.
Step three: Wow, she hasn't quit. That is just outstanding! Yay for perseverance. One day, she might be the same size as us. (Ha, that'll be the day)
Step four: Gee, we haven't seen Truth lately. She stopped joining us for fried cheesecake and lard juice day.
Step five: Our friend Truth is really hardcore! Let's give her a gift of clothing two sizes too small. We thinks he might be able to fit it but if it doesn't it would only motivate her. This is in no way an attempt to hurt her feelings.
Step six: You know what? We need to exercise! Truth is inspiring. We will go with her everyday!
Step seven: God, she's doing overkill. No one needs to exercise this regularly. Too bad she can't maintain her weight like we can.
Step eight: She's just trying to rub it in our faces. This new fit lifestyle. She thinks she is better than us.
Step nine: Truth hands back the gift of clothing. They are now too small for the gift givers and entirely too big for Truth.

It started out as kind of funny. It was a little joke between friends. But, one by one, I noticed that my friends went from supportive to "God, why can't you eat that piece of cake? You used to eat it before! You didn't care that you had a blood sugar issue before so why care now?" Pretty soon, we weren't shopping on the same side of the clothing store anymore. For the first time in my adult life, I was shopping in the regular section as opposed to the "Fun sized!" section (which another name for fatties over here) but no one was happy about it, except me that is. "You know Truth, you might be dieting too much" my friends sagely warned me behind their peanutbuster parfaits. "Are you sure this is a Doctor approved diet? Your fad weigh tloss will only rebound back to you. We only tell you this because we care. Now come have a sundae with us!"

Eventually, the unthinkable happened. I weighed less than all of my friends. Even the one who had been considered the hottest of us all. They...lost...their...minds. Suddenly, everyone was on the fad diets everyone warned me about. One by one, they lost ten lbs, only to go back to their lifestyles and gain it all back. Bitterness seeped from the pores of some of my friends (I would know, I am fairly bitter myself some days). One of my friends is sure to let me know every excruciating detail of her weight loss. She recently went on a "stop eating and miraculously lose" diet. I have learned that I am not allowed to give weight loss advice. Even though I have been successful, it is not welcome. The ladies in my online weight loss group got catty in the end. I did the work, lost the weight. Instead of a high five, I got remarks like "God, you look fat in that color" or " Gee, your graduation gown makes you look like a whale. What was the point of losing weight if you still look like that?"

How lovely it is when you discover where you stand in other people's eyes.

People who should not attempt to date me (Oldie but Goodie)

Ever since I got the internet sometime back in the age of AOL, I have been interested in relationships formed online. However, I am not 14 anymore, and have learned that there are a few things that should be avoided.

Case of the Ex - We have all met this person. This person is still hung up on an ex of some sort.
Example: "You have blue eyes? So does Susie! Susie is my ex but don't worry I am not interested in her anymore...she dumped me but I am ok with that. I mean we weren't going to work out anyway. Well, we could have worked but she needed to find herself. Gee, I wonder what she is doing right now...sigh Susie with her hair of gold and solid birthing hips. But enough about her, would you like some more wine?"
It doesn't even have to be the most recent ex. I recently went out with someone who was still talking about the girl that he broke up with 10 years ago. I am not against speaking of ex's, but, the whole date? I decided it was time to cut my losses when she was still the topic of date number 2.

Case of the bitter ex- I am sure you all have met this person too. This covers two different people. Someone out of the couple is bitter and they are going to let you know about it.
Example #1 "My ex-girlfriend is such a skank! I paid for her hair, her nails, her clothing, and she freaking cheated on me with the mop up guy at the peep show! I would love to get my hands on her and just beat her until she twitched!They would never find her body. I would sink her to the bottom of the lake with knives shoved in all of her orfices! But enough about her, would you like some more wine?"
or
Example #2 "I am so glad you agreed to see me. I have had such a hard time keeping someone around because my ex shows up and makes scenes and keys cars and occasionally commits an act of arson. I just try to ignore her really. The last girl I dated got her tires slashed but if she had just ignored my ex, it would have been ok. But enough about her, would you like some wine?"

Pushy- Mr or Ms Pushy wants what they want RIGHT NOW! Not that they are trying to be pushy or demanding but there is no reason why you can't get in your car at 1 am and meet them at the park. That isn't unreasonable is it? It's only unreasonable if you are some sort of prude.
Example: "I know we just met but I feel like we have a connection. I can almost always tell when I connect with someone immediately. Want to meet in about 20 minutes? No....? But, we live in the same town. I don't see a problem....I can come to your house then....What? You don't trust me? I mean, come on! I don't understand why you wouldn't want to meet right now! I am not being pushy or anything, and I feel really strongly about meeting right now! Not right now? Oh, so it's not *convenient* right now. I know girls like you! You string a guy along and then expect him to drop everything on YOUR schedule. Well guess what Missy! I ain't falling for it. You're probably bad in bed too! Don't even bother talking to me again.
*next day*
"Hello? Sorry about being worked up last night. I really want for us to connect. How about we meet tomorrow night, no pressure. How about I bring a bottle of wine?"
Yikes, just yikes.

L33t- This is just me being picky. I prefer people who form sentences. The extent of our conversation should cover more than "omg ur so hawt!"
Example:"Omg ur so hawt, wnt sum wyne l8r?"

and Finally

The Depressed soul- This person is oh so sad. They have had so much heartbreak, and he/she is so glad to have finally met someone that they can really communicate with. It's so hard, so very very hard living in Mom's basement without any contact with people who care aside of Mr. Buttons (the 40 lb cat that also lives in the basement)

Example: "I am so glad I met you on this website! I have been single for a long time because I am tired of being used and abused by everyone. I've been kind of lonely but don't think I don't have any friends. I play WoW and have lots of friends there. I also have webkins that my mom brings me. Wait? You're going offline? Are you coming back? What time are you coming back? I just don't want to miss you. Here is my cell number just in case I am upstairs when you come back. Here's the home phone too just in case my cell isn't working. Maybe you can come visit me, I can send mom to the store for a bottle of wine..."
(This last one could have been me a few years back when I was going through a bit of WoW addiction.)

Now if you folks will excuse me, I feel like I could use a glass of wine...