*Not pictured at the right: Me not setting a crackhead on fire.*
"Soul Crushing" are the most frequent words I use to describe my time in the service industry. I recognize that I am using it as a means to an end (Colleges like it when you pay them);but, I am pretty sure what little soul I have is being consumed by a monster called Customer Service. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the customer...usually. I would prefer to rectify any situation rather than let someone go away unsatisfied. With all of that being said, There are a few people that need to get bent. Today would be nice but I would settle for in general.
Mr/Ms More Education (perceived or otherwise)- Example: "Do you know who I am? I have 8 Doctorates! I could do your job with my eyes plucked out and my arms sundered from my body." This person will spend a lot of time lecturing me about his/her various degrees and why everything I am doing is one step short of functionally retarded. Amazingly enough, this particular person has yet to figure out that by shrieking at me and forcing me to cater to his/her temper tantrum actually slows down my ability to solve whatever the the problem might be. My ideal response would be "Is one of your degrees in Jackassery? If so, you show a beautiful mastery of it." The appropriate hasn't got me fired yet response is "I would appreciate it if you did not attempt to denigrate me. I realize you are frustrated but personal attacks are uncalled for and slow the process down." This response has yielded me at least one apology so I suppose it can't be all bad.
The Crackhead- Example: "I *twitch* think you're discriminating against me *twitch* on the basis of (insert age, color, religion, weight, other insanity here). I'm going to sue you *twitch* and own this whole building *twitch* then I'm going to fire you and then let's see you get another job *twitch*" I love this person. This person is usually obviously under the influence of something (drugs, alcohol, deity of choice, whatever) and wants for me desperately, and usually angrily, to understand how right they are (they usually aren't). My ideal response would be "I'm sorry, I tuned out the moment you told me you worked for Homeland Security and could have Obama fire me from Camp David." The appropriate hasn't got me fired response is " I am sorry that you feel that you have received bad customer service. Here is my superior's number and extension as well as the number for corporate. They will take all of your concerns seriously. Beyond that, your behavior is erratic and is disturbing other customers. I must ask you to stop." This has a success rate of roughly 15%. This shows that A) There are way too many crackheads in my area and B) You can't reason with a crackhead.
Mr/Ms Nothing Is My Fault- Example: " This is all your fault somehow! Yes, I'm sure I'm at the right location. No, I don't have any of my paperwork! It's your fault I left it at home. What do you mean you have none of my information? You must have lost it!" This individual, much like The Crackhead, cannot be reasoned with. It does not matter that I tracked down where this individual should be (which is 7 out of 10 times not my location. The other three times I will gladly own up to someone on our end screwing up somehow but roughly 25% of that deals with botched communication from the customer. I am still deciding if going with the narrowest or broadest idea of what the customer had in mind is the better option) and it was indeed not my location. It will somehow be my fault and much like Mr/Ms Educated, will waste just as much time before the problem is solved. My ideal response would be: " Wow, I can see your tonsils from here. You know what, screw procedure! I am going to violate every protocol that keeps your information and other people's information safe just because you, special snowflake, deserve whatever you want even if you can't prove who you are or how you paid for this service." The appropriate hasn't got me fired response is " I am sorry you feel an error has been made. I have none of the records associated with your account. This could be our error. Security precautions are in place to protect your information and that of other customers. Without appropriate ID or Paperwork, I cannot help you but I am willing to do what I can to rectify this situation." This response has a success rate of whatever phase the moon is in. It has varied from the customer calming down to the customer throwing a credit card at me (I nearly did get fired that day because I was two seconds from hopping over my counter and being an Antoine Dodson video on youtube somehow).
I am sure somehow this is worth Xp points, but I occasionally feel like I'm rolling 1's instead of 20's (or if you're GURPS inclined 18's instead of 3's). I thank whatever deity that covers this sort of thing for reminding me that very, very, very soon, I start grad school where it will be the same crap, different day, but at least it will be a different day. I hope this little experience will temper me from being these people when I have my 8 doctorates and prescription drug addiction that somehow interferes with my ability to remember that people who deal with cash might like to see ID's. If you folks will excuse me, I am going to go relax. I have to work in the morning and I had better be prepared with a smile because Smiling while debating on if setting a crackhead on fire will get me 10 to 20 is a mildly better option than Frowning with a can of gasoline, a hand full of matches, and a negotiator outside telling everyone to stay cool.
